It’s been a while since I’d written in these pages.

You could say I’ve lost heart.

The last entry of any significance was dated November 25, 2009, a day of which its significance will not be fully comprehended for some time to come, even if it had been solemnly felt.

Well, I’m here now. But I’m not really here—I haven’t been for years—but I will soon be.

Some people blog out of boredom, others for fun, for attention or for profit. Most don’t care about how they write. I do.

Which is why, in having said nothing, I’ve said everything.

What if everything begins tonight? What if everything ends tonight?

A woman I once knew said that to me a year ago. Back then, as we found ourselves smack in the middle of a complex web of hopes and fears both unspoken and divulged, we hinged our future on one phone call. It was drastic, yes, yet nothing ended that night. It would seem the forces of attraction were too great for a tidy resolution, and too strong for our two separate universes to not collide in a spectacular fashion.

Today, I found myself revisiting those words, words I wanted to say but found myself unable to. Again, it would have been drastic. Fatalistic, even. The thought that we could somehow neatly contain the countless variables present in the affairs of these two hearts with this decree was, in hindsight, hopelessly oversimplified. But at least it would have been defined, I thought.

Well, I thought wrong.

Everything is transient, I said to you.

How right I was.

_{30.07.06
2:27am}

It would have been on my 32nd birthday.

One click of a button. No fanfare. No last post explaining why I would do such a thing. No password-protecting the blog, and none of that email-me-and-I’ll-give-you-the-password nonsense, as though my blog is so cheap a thing to barter. It seemed fitting: a gift of change to myself on the day I was born.

But I’m still here. The blog is still here. Which only begs the question: why?

If everything was as simple as you thought, I’d be you.

But I’m not. And I’m glad I’m not.