I left my eyes behind in the office and I decided to walk. Slipping into the flow of people hurrying home, or to wherever they were going, all I saw was a kinetic scene of blurred faces and bodies.
All I saw was a composite of the years that had gone away.
All I saw was nothing.
I don’t know you; I don’t want to know you. Don’t look at me, because I don’t want to look at you either. This frown, this frown I’m wearing, it’s to hide who I am. The boy who has to close his heart so that he can not know what it is like to be hurt.
This is the boy who, days and weeks ago, watched on at the love present between brothers, sisters and friends, and wondered how nice it must be if his own family was like that. And that, in the midst of those joyous moments, he guessed who would be there for his own day.
He didn’t dare to form a conclusion.
This is the boy, frowning, because he made a choice, twice, to walk away because he thought it better to not compromise. He thought that if she was not the right one for him, there was no point in trying to continue living days crafted out of false hopes and wishful thinking. He still thinks he is right. He is, he is. Eventually time will prove him right.
Except time has stopped moving for him and, as the world is speeding on by, he is walking alone to his own beat, with neither a destination nor a face to look forward to.
When you walk alone, you have the liberty of seeing the world through your own eyes and understanding people through your own experiences. And sometimes, that is more powerful than objectivity, more healing than shared perceptions.
I think what you saw was not nothing but apprehension, tireness, a mild disgust, a yearning. Wait till it is really nothing, you will see vivid faces and bodies. Then the boy will become a child and the world will be up for grab again. And walking on your own is really not that lonely. Try to understand nothing, no joke, very interesting, really.
“I’ve had a recurring nightmare,
that I was loved for who I am,
and missed out on the opportunity,
to become a better man.”
–Muse “Hoodoo”
there are ways to see things, and I am trying to choose the positive one.
*gasp
Beautiful, beautiful.. It’s been a while since the last time I read your blog, I forgot how amazing it is to read beautiful words such as these..